“The Canyons” was never going to be a good film, with the casting of porn star James Deen and the notorious Lindsey Lohan, it seemed that the projects intention was more frothy amusement than satisfaction: a celluloid one-night stand. With the retro trailers hitting the web six months before its release and Stephen Rodericks’ now infamous “New York Times” article (which chronicled Lohan’s outlandish on-set behavior) the audience never anticipated anything more than a diluted “Return of the Valley of the Dolls.” Unfortunately, “The Canyons” was diluted down to 80% water and 20% Peppermint Schnapps, a stale unsatisfying drink you find in your grandmother’s liquor cabinet.

The only substantial or creative aspect of “The Canyons” was the marketing (where more reference was made to the Roderick article and the casting of its two leads) than the film itself. It would be fair to say that most people won’t care about the plot and are more interested in seeing another Lohan failure; with substance not on the menu. The audience does however want to be entertained, but unfortunately that wasn’t on the menu either.

The screenplay, written by Brett Easton Ellis (“American Psycho,” “Less Than Zero”) who has a knack for writing about “Dolls” type behavior, gave us nothing provocative here. The film chronicles a Hollywood cliché trust fund (Deen) who wants to produce a film and in his spare time likes to have strange sexual encounters with his girlfriend (Lohan). Murder, mayhem and jealousy ensue, but they serve more as distractions from the soft-core porn than actual plot developments.

Getting on the Lindsey Lohan hater parade is about as easy as getting her father to make a statement, but my main issue with the film was not necessarily her performance, but her presence. “Mean Girls” was a good film and Lohan happened to be good in it, but beyond that her appeal seems to have more to do with her inability to remain sober rather than her talent. In “The Canyons” we get the impression that Lohan’s job is to be striking, with an alluring innocence that Christian (Deen) has tainted due to his sexual appetite. The men in “The Canyons,” Christian and his nemesis Ryan (Nolan Funk, a ridiculously good-looking former gymnast) are crazy about her (which comes off as absurd) considering Lohan is more Tan Mom than Ann Margret. With an appearance polluted by eyeliner and abrupt red lipstick Lohan’s face takes away from the performance while Deen is well cast as a power-hungry producer, he could use a few more non-porn gigs to improve his acting ability.

In the Roderick article Paul Schrader, the director of “The Canyons” and a celebrated screenwriter (“Taxi Driver”, “The Mosquito Coast,” “Raging Bull,” “Affliction”) notes that after directing George C. Scott in “Hardcore,” Scott agreed to come out of his trailer only if Schrader promised to never direct another film. With “American Gigolo” Schrader had his moment as a director and proved Scott wrong (sort of) but this was brief, as “Cat People and Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist,” would follow.

Deen, Schrader and Lohan

Roger Ebert would often say after his reviews of remakes, “why not remake a bad movie?” I wouldn’t mind if David Fincher got his hands on this rough piece of glass, keep Funk, but cast him as Christian (wait ten years until his pretty face sharpens a bit). Tara should also be recast to melt in your mouth the way a mint does (Elizabeth Olson), not a sour patch kid (Lohan).